WHETHER YOU ARE a Nazi war criminal, a child violinist, or someone who sings louder than the band at a concert, a link has been found in a new study that found that the key to longevity is simply being a horrible bastard.
The just-published article claims that the absolute dregs of society live well into their 80s and 90s and advises carrying out the most heinous crimes if you want to become a centenarian.
“Rolf Harris, Robert Mugabe, Henry Kissinger, Rupert Murdoch, Jimmy Saville; they all lived horrible and depraved existences and yet managed to see the right side of the 80s,” the report found, “indeed, we have not found a hidden Nazi war criminal who has not exceeded 90 years on this planet.”
The findings suggested that the reason for the link between ‘being a cocoon’ and ‘living a long and fruitful life’ is due to the fact that neither heaven nor hell wants them, and they are clustered in a kind of post-life limbo phase. the 70s thanks to a huge backlog of disgusting pricks currently residing on earth.
Citing the report’s findings, people around the world have now decided to carry out horrific crimes in the hope of securing themselves another decade or two.
“I just stabbed a homeless man to death on the street,” American singer Cher announced on her Twitter earlier today, “then I heard about the findings of this new report and now I don’t feel so bad.”