TAKING a break from ill-tempered and politically motivated attacks on the Irish media whose reporting has resulted in the resignation of two junior ministers and an investigation into An Bord Pleanála, Tánaiste Micheál Martin is considering antagonizing two of the world’s most hostiles on the planet with substantial military capabilities.
« We don’t need anything too flashy, we just need to talk enough about China and Russia that they invade Louth or something, » Martin mused, discussing with his advisers how best to move the current media cycle forward from the start. The Niall Collins scandals.
« What if I make a speech basically saying that I wouldn’t trust the Chinese as much as possible? » Martin added of his planned remarks for the Royal Irish Academy’s Annual Conference on International Affairs.
Martin had not ruled out further tough-guy stances with Russian ambassador Yury Filatov, who the nation wrongly assumed had been expelled from Ireland months ago.
« I don’t know guys, I think that’s the right tone, it’s tough, but not ‘we’ve bitten off more than we can chew’ hard, » Martin said, noting his intention to tweet Putin with the insult ‘if you were more inbred you’ it would be a sandwich.
Reminding his advisers that what he needed was his distraction from the ongoing unanswered questions about the land bought by Niall Collins’ wife, they reached for an ax and smashed glass marked « break in case of emergency. »
“We still don’t know what the problem is or why it’s bad, but we know it’s Sinn Féin’s fault,” said a triumphant adviser, pleased to learn that this is exactly the sort of thing that captures the hearts and minds of the Irish. . people.